Attempt to move on.

I’ve always known that I’m never going to be fully over you until I find someone else and move on with him, but I’ve never tried to make that happen for the last 8 months (it’s been 8 months already? REALLY?) until last weekend.

“TP” asked me to a dinner & movie and in all honesty, I initially had absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. But I figured, hey, why not because I really have nothing to lose at this point. So the night went well— better than I expected, actually. He wasn’t as boring and uninteresting as I thought, but… I wasn’t “feeling it” ?! I don’t even know anymore. You’ve clouded my judgement of reality over the years and now I subconsciously compare everyone and everything to YOU and our past. I couldn’t help but think of you that night. I know it wasn’t fair to TP at ALL, and I feel almost guilty, but it was uncontrollable. It’s like you’re a state of mind, always following me, haunting everything I do. I don’t know what to make of this “date”. He’s a NICE GUY, that’s what it is. But sparks? What are sparks? All I remember is when I first met you, I felt that connection with you right away…. but it was so long ago, I don’t even remember what that feels like anymore. Or maybe there was no instant connection, and it’s all a figure of my imagination? I almost feel like I’m going crazy.

I don’t know what I’m writing anymore. I just like getting things off my chest and out there. TP wants to go out again sometime soon, I said sure. I’m not pushing for anything, but we’ll see what happens, because again I remind myself, I have nothing to lose.

In any case, I haven’t talked to you for almost two whole months. Do I wonder how you’re doing? Yes. Do I still care? Yes. Do I miss you? Yes. Will I be the one to call you up? Absolutely not.