Time to write it all out.

Rewinding back to the end of May— we had been out of touch for 3 weeks (because you never returned my calls). The day after I decide to keep you out of my life you text me “hello. :)” (um what? do you have a radar or something that tells you everytime I’m trying to get rid of you?) I tried very hard not to reply to you, and two days later you sent me another text: “I’m trying so hard to stay in touch with you but my heart still can’t allow it. You ruined me…” - I replied with the longest ass text of my life, you called me, and we talked.

That conversation was bullshit. Complete bullshit. You pretty much yelled at me the entire time, made me feel bad about everything, I balled my eyes out, and you felt absolutely no sympathy. I still remember your voice that night because it was something I had never heard before. I have never seen this side of you, but now this is what sticks with me. You then proceeded to tell me how you met M and how you really like her. Excuse me???? During all this I was in complete and utter shock. I had a zillion thoughts running through my head, and yet, I was speechless. I did not say a word. I let you talk and I sat there crying. The night ended and I was still drowning in all these thoughts and tears and I bet you felt much better because you got it all out of your system.

The whole next day at work I couldn’t stop thinking about what you had said to me the night before. I have so much to say to you but everytime I intend to say it, I always lose my train of thought, get nervous, get interrupted, etc. So I spent two hours writing out everything I ever wanted to say to you after the break up. 3000+ words later, I pretty much drafted a “speech” and I planned to read it to you later that night. I was fucking nervous. Did it come down to this? I used to spend hours on the phone with you saying whatever the hell I wanted and now I’m drafting SPEECHES before calling you?! ridiculous. After texting you and making sure you weren’t going to be busy after the hockey game, I called you…

I started my speech. I said something— you interrupted. I said something else— you rebutted. FUCK. I eventually said everything ‘negative’ on my speech and that’s when I had enough. I only ended up saying half of what I intended. And the stuff I left out? Well, that’s all the GOOD stuff about you. And how I still care a shitload about you. I figured eff that because you didn’t deserve to hear it anyways.

But seriously? What ticked me off the most that night was how you were so inconsiderate of my feelings. When I told you how I felt about you showing interest in MY FRIEND, you were completely rude about it. Yes I know I no longer have the power of telling you who you’re allowed to date, but seriously. This is hitting too close to home for me. I’m not cool with it at all, and if you don’t want to give me the least bit of respect…. fuck you too.

I can’t believe I just wrote all this because it’s bitter and obnoxious and completely out of my character, but this is how I’m feeling right now and how I’ve been feeling for the past couple weeks. Since we broke up, I’ve always wanted a reason to hate you because I thought that was the only way I’d get over you. Well now I’m feeling as much anger and hate (maybe not hate, but close) than I ever will come close to, yet I’m not getting any closer to recovery.

I swear I’m a lost cause.