How am I still not okay?

I haven’t written anything in here for a while, but that’s not to say I’m healed. I wish I was. I wish I could say I’m fine, but I’m not really.

The time around any major holiday always makes me miss you even more than usual. Christmas is just not the same without someone to share the joy with. Christmas shopping is a pain in the ass because most of the time you don’t know what to get someone. I remember how easy it was to shop for you before. It’s because I knew you inside and out, the way I know no one else.

I am very aware that you’re happy in love with another girl and I’m happy for you. She’s a lucky girl because I know you’ll treat her well. Hope you get what you’re looking for out of that relationship.

Going back a couple weeks, I was hoping you would wish me a happy birthday. You didn’t. You didn’t last year either, although you called weeks later to apologize for not doing so. I don’t expect such phone call this year. I spent the day hoping you’d call. Instead, P calls me and I ignore the call. Ha, life is unfair. I feel bad. I’m waiting for a call that will never happen while there’s someone there right in front of me and I could care less.

I can’t believe it’s been so long and I still feel this pathetic. This journal is proof of my patheticness and I wish I didn’t have to write things out like this, but this is my outlet. I was talking to Allen a couple nights ago for hours until almost 4AM and he kept telling me that I’m stupid for holding on and thinking back. He doesn’t understand it’s beyond my control. I really don’t want to care, but I do. If you ever needed someone… do you know that I’m here for you, always? Probably not. But I am.

This is ridiculous that I’m writing to a guy who doesn’t care I exist anymore. You texted me a “Merry Christmas” last year and I’m not expecting the same this year. But for what it’s worth— Merry Christmas. I hope you’re doing well.