Words that hurt.

Life is so ironic. The day after I wrote my last post (Mon Sep 20), I get an email from him while at the clubs week booth for DECA. The email caught me by surprise. It wasn’t a nice email, not at all, but my thoughts were pretty much “wow… is it really him?” I was feeling so emotional and vulernable, especially after the way I’ve been feeling for the last week as I wrote in my last post. It was so hard for me to be at the booth for the next hour because all I could think about was his email, yet I had to pretend to be happy, smile, and talk to everyone like things were okay. I eventually had some time to reply to his email before class and I somehow (regretfully) decided to tell him exactly how I felt.

A part of my email to him:

… “You have no idea how badly I’m trying to run away from this. I keep SO busy to forget. Even now, your email caught me so off guard when I was in the middle of something and I’ve been so shook up until now that I finally have some time to reply to this. I try to forget and get past this, but I just can’t. I moved back to London and my bedframe that came with my furnished room has a giant Leafs sticker on the corner that I’ve tried so f*cking hard to remove, but it’s stubborn, it’s still there, and it serves as a reminder of you to me every friggin day. I can’t run from this. I don’t know how to get over this. And everytime I feel closer to getting over it, something new comes up. Honestly though, I genuinely wish you well. I’ve always had this hope that we could some day be friends again, because when it comes down to it, I still care for you so much and I miss my best friend.”

His entire reply to that was rude, cold, and selfish. This line struck me the most: 

… “Sorry to be so blunt but I just don’t care anymore, I know I might’ve potentially caused you grief but if this incident affects MY life, I can’t have that.”

I almost broke out crying during class when I read that. It was so insensitive and cold. I poured my feelings to him— and him, of all people should know how hard it is for me to do that. I put myself out there and told him how I felt. I don’t know what I expected him to say in return. I thought he still cared for me AS A FRIEND. Seriously, how can you not?! But no… he doesn’t care anymore, not at all. I felt humiliated for sending him that email. I’m so hurt by his words. I don’t know how to deal with everything…