May 2011
1 post
I'm still broken.
At 2:14 AM, I dialed your number and was this close to pressing send. I don’t know why. I just wanted to hear you voice. But I didn’t follow through. I just couldn’t. Who am I to interrupt your sleep now? Who am I to run into your life now unannounced? I’m sure you’re completely over me, so who am I to even talk to you.
April 2011
2 posts
One of those nights.
No, I’m not okay.
Letter to a stranger.
Dear you,
How are you? It’s been so long. It feels like forever since I’ve last heard your voice. And yes, I miss you. Stupidly, foolishly, and sadly. But it’s true and as much as I want to deny it, I can’t.
There are some days where I’m happy— really happy. And those are the days I think to myself that I’m finally over it, over us, over our past. Then...
March 2011
1 post
I heard that you’re settled down, That you...
February 2011
3 posts
So this is me swallowing my pride, Standing in...
...
Okay, I lied. But I wish I was over it. Why the fuck am I still not over it.
I'm over it.
I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over...
January 2011
2 posts
Looking back: Gmail Chat 07/06/09
Him: ... you know how understanding I am, I've put myself in your shoes. It's hard. But I've always thought that you and I would last, and I still think that.
Me: We will last. But maybe not in the way we thought.
Him: No, it's definitey in the way we thought.
Him: We're a special case. You and I.
Him: Don't you agree?
Me: Don't waste your time on me.
Him: With you baby, it's never a waste.
Ouch.
All this drama between my friends is rushing back memories of us.
The only difference is, you never apologized, nor bothered to care, nor did you think it was wrong to be with M. You knew how much it would hurt me and you simply just didn’t care. And yet I still care about you. What is wrong with me…
December 2010
2 posts
How am I still not okay?
I haven’t written anything in here for a while, but that’s not to say I’m healed. I wish I was. I wish I could say I’m fine, but I’m not really.
The time around any major holiday always makes me miss you even more than usual. Christmas is just not the same without someone to share the joy with. Christmas shopping is a pain in the ass because most of the time you...
One year.
One year ago today was when, dramatically speaking, my life fell apart. I can’t believe it’s been a year since you’ve left. How did one year go by so fast yet so slow at the same time? We’ve both been through a lot in this one year— you more than me, though, I’m assured. In this one year, we’ve had our time apart, tried to become friends again...
October 2010
1 post
If you’re doing this to hurt me, believe me… you win.
September 2010
2 posts
Words that hurt.
Life is so ironic. The day after I wrote my last post (Mon Sep 20), I get an email from him while at the clubs week booth for DECA. The email caught me by surprise. It wasn’t a nice email, not at all, but my thoughts were pretty much “wow… is it really him?” I was feeling so emotional and vulernable, especially after the way I’ve been feeling for the last week as I...
Ugh.
I haven’t missed him as much as I have this past week and it baffles me because there’s absolutely no reason behind it. I think it’s because I’m back in London and this shitty town is so boring during the day that there’s nothing to do. I remember the only thing that kept me sane in the last two years was being able to talk on the phone with him on boring days like...
August 2010
3 posts
“We’re so perfect for each other baby. We go hand in hand, we’re one...”
– You to me, exactly one year ago.
...
Someone left a rude comment on my Livejournal anonymously this afternoon. I tracked the IP address and it lead to Kitchener, ON. Well then, that’s obvious. No one else in Kitchener would bother writing something like that, other than you. Seriously? Like I was partially amused by it because it means I’m still important enough to be in your life, but a part of me was stunned that you...
Wow
Did you really just send me that text? Really?
If you have nothing good to say, don’t say it.
July 2010
2 posts
Attempt to move on.
I’ve always known that I’m never going to be fully over you until I find someone else and move on with him, but I’ve never tried to make that happen for the last 8 months (it’s been 8 months already? REALLY?) until last weekend.
“TP” asked me to a dinner & movie and in all honesty, I initially had absolutely no interest in him whatsoever. But I figured,...
I saw a picture of you and I totally remember buying you the shirt you’re wearing in the picture. A part of me says “GR I WANT IT BACK” and another part of me is kind of surprised you’re still wearing it. But I guess guys aren’t sentimental like that.
I think I’m slowly beginning to realize that we’re both just moving on with our own lives, separately and...
June 2010
4 posts
Time to write it all out.
Rewinding back to the end of May— we had been out of touch for 3 weeks (because you never returned my calls). The day after I decide to keep you out of my life you text me “hello. :)” (um what? do you have a radar or something that tells you everytime I’m trying to get rid of you?) I tried very hard not to reply to you, and two days later you sent me another text:...
Too much has happened in the last couple days. I can’t even be bothered to write it out. Not now anyways. But all of this has put me back into the same sadness that I originally felt when this all started. This is not good.
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their...”
May 2010
3 posts
I’m done pretending that I’m okay with being friends with you, because I’m not. I have never been okay with it and I’m not going to lie to myself anymore. You can’t leave me hanging for weeks and suddenly expect me to be available whenever you want to talk. What about the times that I needed you? Do you even want to talk to me anymore? Do you ever miss me— at...
I hate writing in here because it’s so fucking depressing and pathetic. A little bit of both. But at the same time, I just feel like getting everything out of my system and I guess it doesn’t really matter as no one really reads this anyways.
You called me on the 7th of May after not speaking to me for two weeks. We talked, and you ended the conversation by saying you’d call me...
I HATE WAITING. I’M SICK OF HAVING TO BE THE ONE TO INITIATE ANY CONTACT BETWEEN US. WHATEVER. I DON’T CARE ANYMORE.
April 2010
12 posts
Well, that kind of failed.
I called him at 2AM last night because I couldn’t sleep. I don’t know what to make of that conversation. It definitely didn’t go as well as a couple nights ago. I couldn’t sleep for another 3-4 hours after that. I just lied in bed with lots of thoughts running through my head.
Who are you, now?
You drink and smoke and go out all the time, which...
You didn’t call me yesterday, but you did text me. I guess you kept your word. Wishing you would call though… but the ball is in your court. Time for you to call me first.
Best conversation.
Called you yesterday at noon yesterday and we talked for twenty minutes before my friends interrupted and I left you to study. You were clearly kind of annoyed by that.
I called you back at 2AM and you didn’t pick up. You called me back at 3:30AM and by that point, I was clearly sleeping, but I woke up to talk to you anyways (ugh.. why do I do that?)
In any case, I don’t regret it at...
Haven’t talked to you for 8 days. Call me………
I’ve got crazy mixed feelings right now. It’s been almost 5 months since we broke up- I can’t believe it has been so long.
Email from you to me, June 20, 2009, when I was on vacation:
I can’t even remember a time when I’ve missed you as much as I miss you now. Last night at C’s house, me and F had a pretty crazy heart to heart conversation where we talked about our girlfriends and his incident that happened to him 3 years ago with the shooting, and everything in between. We have concluded that I love...
Re: Last night
I was not comfortable talking to you about relationships again because in the past it was all about me&you and now it’s me. and you. separately. doing our own thing. I’ve never had a doubt about you going to law school. You’re a very smart guy and you’ve pretty much got everything going for you. but DALHOUSIE? are you shitting me? I don’t know why that shocked me...
Last night.
Him: I'm just trying to get myself settled down before settling down on a relationship again. I pretty much threw that idea out the window. I mean, I want to settle down eventually, but I just want to focus on getting into law school and being successful before anything else. The more I think about it, relationships are just bothersome. What about you?
Me: Oh.. um.. well that's kind of a serious question.. I don't really have--
Him: What's your take on relationships now? You looking or...?
Me: Um yeah... I don't really know... So anyways, where do you want to go to law school?
Him: Dalhousie
Me: WHAT?!
Him: Yeah, I figured I want to go a little further. Travel a bit. There's nothing really holding me back now so I figured why not. It will be nice to start fresh somewhere.
ENOUGH OF THIS PHONE TAG.
I call you. You call me back hours later. I call you the next day. You call me back and I’m busy. I call you back, …and now I’m waiting.
Fuckin eh. Can you just call me back so we can have a conversation? PLEASE? THANKS.
With all this stress from piano, all I wanted to do was talk to you tonight. I called you an hour ago, you didn’t pick up, and you haven’t called me back.
Oh well. Figures.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I...
I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I went two whole months of cold turkey from you and I was slowly healing and here you are, back in my life, and me, being weak, I just can’t cope with it.
I hate how I’m the one who initiates calls and texts with you now. I hate that I feel like I have to have a reason to call you. It’s not like before. I can’t just call you...
I can't do this. I'm not this strong. Either be in...
March 2010
13 posts
Somewhere in between.
When we were together, calling, texting, and talking to you every couple hours would be the norm. When we broke up, not having any contact at all was the norm.
And now… I’m just trying to find an in-between. What’s the norm?
For my own record.
Friday night: he called at 2am. Nicky stopped me from calling him back (why is she conveniently there everytime he calls? or is it a sign?) I texted him that my calling card ran out (lie), and he said it was okay. Nicky made me reply with “maybe you should get a calling card” (totally out of my character) and he said “I certainly will this week.”
Saturday night: came home...
Stupid.
Just because you call one night, doesn’t mean you’ll keep calling me every night from now on. I was stupid to believe that you would. Stupid for glancing at my phone all night to see if you would call again. Ever since two nights ago, I’ve had you on my mind and I’ve had the urge to call or text you randomly. See what I mean? You walk into my life again and I don’t...
I said I wouldn’t post anymore, but nevermind that. This is worth mentioning.
There I was last night, minding my own business and in the corner of my eye, I see my phone light up. Your name and face start flashing on my phone … um, what?! Incoming call…. from YOU? It’s been over two months since I’ve heard your voice. The call caught me SO off guard....
“And though we’ll never forget what we’ve given up, we owe to ourselves to keep...”
– Ugly Betty (via arrdent)
Someone to confide in.
I’m moving on, slowly, but I still think about you all the time. I feel like I can’t trust anyone. I miss having someone to confide in. Someone I could tell everything to. X is helping me move on, but he’s no you.
“I’ve learned this past year. I’ve changed, I’ve grown. Maybe things do happen...”
– (via idareyoutoclickthis) (via arrdent)
Everyday I’m growing emotionally stronger, more independent, and more optimistic. I am so proud of myself. I’ve come so far since day one of this break up. It took a while for this to happen, but I’m finally starting to pick myself off the ground.
