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Saturday, May 7th 2011 2:24am
At 2:14 AM, I dialed your number and was this close to pressing send. I don’t know why. I just wanted to hear you voice. But I didn’t follow through. I just couldn’t. Who am I to interrupt your sleep now? Who am I to run into your life now unannounced? I’m sure you’re completely over me, so who am I to even talk to you.
Tuesday, April 26th 2011 10:41pm
No, I’m not okay.
Thursday, April 7th 2011 11:51pm
Dear you,
How are you? It’s been so long. It feels like forever since I’ve last heard your voice. And yes, I miss you. Stupidly, foolishly, and sadly. But it’s true and as much as I want to deny it, I can’t.
There are some days where I’m happy— really happy. And those are the days I think to myself that I’m finally over it, over us, over our past. Then there are the days where I think about you and hate you. The way you left things with us, the last words you said to me… thinking about that stuff makes me angry and aggravated. But rest assured, these feelings of hatred last minutes, if not, less. How can I stay mad at you? And finally, there are days when our past just haunts me and controls my every thought. Today is one of those days. Right now, especially. I haven’t missed you this much in a long time. I don’t know what triggered this, but here I am, crying to myself, thinking about our past.
I know, I KNOW you’re happy with some other girl (which really just makes this all so much more pathetic), but other than that, I want to know that you’re doing well. You know what I think about everyday? I wonder how you’re doing in school. I wonder if you’re actually graduating this year, if you’ve been studying for the LSATs, if you’ve applied to law schools… basically, I’m wondering if you’re still working towards your dream. I hope you are. I’ve always told you that you’d make one hell of a lawyer. Not only because you were my boyfriend and I “had” to support you, but because I knew you could do it. And I still think you can.
Do you ever wonder how I’m doing? No? I didn’t think so either, but I wish you did. I’m stressing out a lot right now, baby. (Oh my god did I just write baby? It just felt so right.) I don’t have a job lined up for the summer yet and time is ticking. I’ve been hustling my ass off, spending two hours daily job searching and paying immaculate attention to cover letter writing, but I’m not seeing the results I want. And I know, I’m picky. I want something related to my industry with good pay and when the economy is the way it is now, I really can’t be this finicky. Oh, I also turned down a job offer with Golf Canada without having a back up plan. Smooth, right? You always told me I was greedy. You were right.
I remember when we first started dating, I had never worked a day in my life. Look at me now. It’s been three years of non-stop work; I’m an effin’ self-declared workaholic. But anyways, that’s irrelevant.
All I know is that I still care about you and want to know you’re doing well. I wish you’d call me sometime. Around this time last year, we talked on the phone a lot as friends and I wish we could do that again. But it’s unlikely. And I understand.
I sincerely hope you’re doing well.
Love,
Me
Saturday, March 5th 2011 5:21pm
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
I heard that you’re settled down,
That you found a girl and you’re married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light,
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it,
I had hoped you’d see my face,
And that you’d be reminded that for me it isn’t over,
Never mind, I’ll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don’t forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
“Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,”
Thursday, February 10th 2011 9:08am
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
And I’d go back to December all the time
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you
Wishing that I’d realized what I had when you were mine
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time
Tuesday, February 8th 2011 1:06pm
Okay, I lied. But I wish I was over it. Why the fuck am I still not over it.
Tuesday, February 8th 2011 12:54pm
I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it. I’m over it.
Wednesday, January 19th 2011 9:12am
Tuesday, January 4th 2011 11:53pm
All this drama between my friends is rushing back memories of us.
The only difference is, you never apologized, nor bothered to care, nor did you think it was wrong to be with M. You knew how much it would hurt me and you simply just didn’t care. And yet I still care about you. What is wrong with me…
Thursday, December 23rd 2010 10:05pm
I haven’t written anything in here for a while, but that’s not to say I’m healed. I wish I was. I wish I could say I’m fine, but I’m not really.
The time around any major holiday always makes me miss you even more than usual. Christmas is just not the same without someone to share the joy with. Christmas shopping is a pain in the ass because most of the time you don’t know what to get someone. I remember how easy it was to shop for you before. It’s because I knew you inside and out, the way I know no one else.
I am very aware that you’re happy in love with another girl and I’m happy for you. She’s a lucky girl because I know you’ll treat her well. Hope you get what you’re looking for out of that relationship.
Going back a couple weeks, I was hoping you would wish me a happy birthday. You didn’t. You didn’t last year either, although you called weeks later to apologize for not doing so. I don’t expect such phone call this year. I spent the day hoping you’d call. Instead, P calls me and I ignore the call. Ha, life is unfair. I feel bad. I’m waiting for a call that will never happen while there’s someone there right in front of me and I could care less.
I can’t believe it’s been so long and I still feel this pathetic. This journal is proof of my patheticness and I wish I didn’t have to write things out like this, but this is my outlet. I was talking to Allen a couple nights ago for hours until almost 4AM and he kept telling me that I’m stupid for holding on and thinking back. He doesn’t understand it’s beyond my control. I really don’t want to care, but I do. If you ever needed someone… do you know that I’m here for you, always? Probably not. But I am.
This is ridiculous that I’m writing to a guy who doesn’t care I exist anymore. You texted me a “Merry Christmas” last year and I’m not expecting the same this year. But for what it’s worth— Merry Christmas. I hope you’re doing well.
